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“You matter”
Two words that broke me today.
However!! I was able to say my abusers names out loud today. And that matters to me.

Body of Proof:
Happy Trails

Rescue - Lauren Daigle

I was supposed to be in court today. Instead, I find myself reading and listening to the rain and world outside, while I wait to start getting ready for work tonight. I don’t feel like sharing my life today, but I have found myself here. I am choosing to let go of so much of my past with hope to focus on a future. Maybe a better one, who knows? I’ll contemplate and doubt myself later.
I sit in front of my heater and breathe. Letting myself BE in this moment. I let myself love, despite painful memories playing in my mind. Right now, it’s sitting in the eye doctor’s chair being asked why I have such deep gouges/scars on my eyes and not having the words or correct answer to say. To say how they were clawed open. Then flashes to the camper, the room, another room, and another. I blame my car accidents. Another flash, a longer one, only this time being held with care, having worked so hard to be there, in those arms, to hear another heartbeat against my ear. Praying not to let this love hurt, again, because you know in this moment, how deep that love goes and you know they matter. You let them in. You pray you’re enough, to somehow capture that moment so you can hold onto it forever. And maybe we do, in mental screenshots and things.
I was terrified, a few months ago, of just the idea of having to walk into the court, so close to Christmas, by myself, again. To stand up for myself, again, because all those people who promised in the past were no longer there or couldn’t be. And I stood up, I did it. Here I let myself smile, because this is where I found myself, again. I choose to believe that the pain passes and I choose to forgive and believe in the good. I choose to continue working on myself and pick myself up, again. Again and again. I choose to give peace and allow myself the same. And in a way, that’s been harder to find that the courage to stand up.

There have been so many changes to my life this year, and I am still working my way through, but thank you all so much for your support in being here. I could barely believe in this day a few short months ago, but here we are in this moment. May we all have some peace today. Sorry for sharing, but thank you for letting me do so.

Merry Xmas 🎅

Started my day a few days ago barely able to move from in front of my heater. A multi day migraine came to visit on top of working through a rough patch in healing. However, I am proud to say I got my butt off the floor and ended up having a long (albeit cold) night on set and drove home with a smile on my face. We rise.

A few more of my reminders. Haha hard to photograph inside of ear, but we got there. Also, recently noticed that one of the stomach ones ended up right next to one of my new scars for company, so it’s a 2-for-1 deal there!

Body of Proof: Back in Black
If you have me on social media, you’ve seen this. I honestly don’t know if I have ever allowed myself to acknowledge a lot of the damage so this was hard to see. I have hid my body and refused to look at it for a very long time. I don’t post out of anger or revenge or spite; I just finally feel at peace to let it go. This is the truth, my truth. It happened and it was brutal, but it does not and will not define me. A harsh truth wrapped in a pretty package, but there all the same.

Been a Vikings fan as long as I can remember. Some of my earliest memories were rushing home from church to put on my gear and watch with my family. It was afternoon naps, “water cooler” discussions, my grandma yelling, the Super Bowl lining up with my birthday, and one of my favorite times of the year.

Who is your team? If you don’t have one, what is your entertainment pastime? You know about me, what about you? :)

Beyond thankful for you all 🙏🏼❤️. Thank you so much for your support during this year and these times. Lord knows it hasn’t been easy. There were a great many things I never thought I’d have to say allowed or share, but thank you for working with me to have the space to do so. Bless you and please know I appreciate all your help, kind words, and again, support. Have a great holiday! 🦃