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oh and before I die, let me add
they rented a cabin for a resident retreat and when I was there it crossed my mind that it would be a really adorable place for a photoshoot
like what a waste
WHAT A TIME TO BE ALIVE
I’m developing a good eye for these things?
anyway I took a nap on the couch for 30 minutes
the email said “mandatory fun” but I refused to have fun
why can’t I just be a model
fuck medicine I’m too attractive for this

(pics from an old shoot that have gotten lost lol; also whenever I see photoshoots on IG I get 🪼🪼🪼)

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credits: starboardsight

Oh! Took these after I got off cb (haha logo) last time and forgot to post them, which I guess isn’t a bad thing because I’m so fucking dead. Honestly just now I was like… “what’s that site called where I post nudes and stuff again?” Took me a sec. Why isn’t this thing saved. I’m going insane.
I was in clinic yesterday and one of the senior residents asked me “how’s it going?” and I just stared at him for like 5 full seconds and then I asked “What’s the answer to that question?” And one of the other guys said “you can say whatever you want you know” and I was like “no there’s a standard answer for it, I just can’t remember what it is. I’m trying to remember… umm, what it is?!!” and he was like “it’s supposed to be ‘I’m fine’” and I’m like “ah, yes that’s right! I’m fine!” and he’s like you don’t seem fine and I’m like I am I just forgot!! >_>
Anyway I think I’m dying.
*collapses*
Don’t mind me

oh wait, here ya go
credits - evaunitz (ig)

I’m having a breakdown lol
Residency’s like not working out real great (surprise surprise)

You’re like bro I’m here for nudes not to hear about your life.
well I think I’ll be on cb tonight to talk about some stuff and usually I end up with some clothes off or I’ll end up crying naked idk but people are into that,
I remember the olden days where when girls get fucked up and cry they get like 500 viewers on mfc lmaooo but I ain’t drinking lol and it’s not 2015 anymore and I don’t want to be a circus attraction. just random memory popped into my head.
I miss it though. I think as time goes on and on and on it strikes me that I am trapped in the past. But I’ve always been like that. I think that’s why I was taken by Gatsby.

“Can’t repeat the past? Why, of course, you can!”

oh that’s wild. I looked up the quote to double check and it seems I have it memorized lol. Except the punctuation. I admit when I write for leisure I use more punctuation than what’s expected in modern novels, I think in part because traditionally novels from before had a lot more. I don’t study literature though, just a thing I suddenly noticed. I mean I’ve read a bunch of books and seen it, it just never fully occurring to me. Wow I’m suddenly talking about theory of writing, I apologize for arm-chairing but like do I have adhd. Lol, jk.

Anyway, apologies for lack of posts & slow replies. Nights are stressful and I… well stuff be happenin’ but the patients are fine lol. Ha, I say that as if I put them at risk. No, just meant to say I think I’m the one who’s not fine although I fear that others may be concerned that if I can’t perform I do interfere with patient care and become a burden to the hospital and society at large. It’s terrifying. You don’t want to be a physician who harms patients. I… well, I do have plenty of supervision so it’s quite safe but not every single action I make it double checked, that’s physically impossible. Wouldn’t say I’m afraid, maybe I trust myself. But I’m afraid I’ll be seen as a liability because of my issues.
Well I’ve always been. Nobody wants someone who’s brain is different from the norm (which I suppose falls within a certain standard deviation I have yet to understand). I believe a norm - a social standard - does exist despite people telling me it doesn’t. Many naturally fall into the social standard without being repeatedly reprimanded and punished for not falling into it. Isn’t that interesting? I’ve been thinking about it a lot.

lol fuck I’m high which explains why I’m taking pics like this, I, um, I’ll just post them all and later I’ll go through and delete the bad ones lmao. enjoy seeing the defective pics. I can’t be fucked to sort through them rn but I want to share cuz they’re cute. ya, my new place! someday I’ll show you guys around… oh well I guess… oh I was like huh I can get online… we’ll I technically could, it’s Saturday night… *it’s hard being high lol my brain works like this help*

omg all my fans are leaving
goodbye 🫠

Took a few pics of my 🌸 vagina 🌸 for you guys. Yesterday we were talking about having to do gyn clinic and having to insert speculums and I was like, ah damn I’m worried about that. I didn’t really do much of that in med school, but I’ve done it- wait I can’t finish that sentence, excuse me. LOL. I genuinely said that, out loud seriously. I was like, oh I need to stop myself right here. Went the wrong way! Turn around! I am the worsttt.

Update! Moved into my new place this week. It’s like a new life lol. I’m like driving every day to the hospital! Ah! It’s so different, I’ve just been laying around for months… it’s so um, yes, quiet around here. It has that “small town” feel haha. I don’t know, I suppose I can get used to it but it’s different. My car is the cutest tho! Makes me happy to be with her! Lol. Too bad I’m an awful driver. :(

it’s like, not my fault I look good in all of these 🦋

a little mirror video in my… *sigh* … previous apartment. omg so sad. anyway, lol this is what happens when you’re holding the phone the entire time. yay we’re upside down~
made this right after I took those pictures bc my hair was so pretty! idk how I feel about it now… well it’s not too bad tbh, I’m just not sure I like these toners. maybe warmer colors are better on me, it’s like ash blonde / silvery tones look too… dark? okay enough hair talk

umm, residency is starting so soon. I have orientation next week so, well, I guess if I disappear we all know what happened…
dw I still have a few things to post. before you’re like, *aggressively unsubs*
not that I’d blame you lolll
🤍

goodbye nyc 🌃

I was looking through raws from an old photoshoot (6/21!!!). oh, come to think of it this was in Manhattan… aw that makes me sad. I left New York on Saturday. so I guess that’s it. for some reason, lately I get all these invites to parties (wtf) & people asking for rates and I’m like oh stop that it hurts my soul!

anyway. this was… right before my surgery rotation, wasn’t it? and I look sooo different here. my body especially… I’m very um, curvy haha. it is kind of fun to see. especially if you’re into that. lol. I went through all of them and just downloaded a bunch. I know, I could be more selective and edit but… this is nice too! they’re old anyway! tbh I don’t like my appearance at the time exactly but, it always makes me happy to see the outcome of shoot.

it’s like omg that’s me! that’s really me! not somebody else! wait, is that somebody else! I can’t tell! no! it’s me! oh I wanna share them all! but I can’t! oh jk that’s what my onlyfans is for.

also lol I can’t believe I wasn’t uncomfortable being like practically *naked on the street*. I can’t say that people weren’t looking at me. I wasn’t focusing on it because it’s not like I felt nervous, but I vaguely remember someone taking out their phone and taking a picture. I was like whaaa.

there really are some shoots I have raws of that I ought to sort through and post more of… I just never get to it. you see, I had that activity on my to-do list for years! and I eventually deleted it because I came to understand I would never do it.

✔️ time 10 of me declaring that I don’t ever do anything

oh I don’t know how this got so long, I was typing and I kept adding things and now it’s like 18 paragraphs, I’m so sorry.

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photographer: jordantylerphotography