Martini Martaine u144417640 OnlyFans Profile - Free Posts, Photos, Videos, Nudes, Leaked

So, where have I been?...

Dammit, I tried to get through this video but my voice broke down after about 30 seconds. In short, I have been through a huge mental and emotional readjustment in my life, outlook and philosophy as the hormone therapy continues to have permanent effects. You might be able to see that my face is already looking a little different... well, there are also all sorts of other re-formations going on across my body.
At the same time, I have been hit with two chest infections in April and June. The second is still ongoing and means I can't talk very long before my throat fills up with gunk and I need to make some horrible noises as I try to clear it. And I can't actually clear it. It has been two weeks since I was able to actually clear my throat. Ugh.
Anyway, if you also follow me on Instagram, you'll have noticed that I have been writing a LOT. And this work is part of my rebuilding my sense of character now that the physical changes towards womanhood are obvious and irreversible. I work as a woman in both my jobs and that is fine. My work here, of course, has always been haute femme.
So I will say, thank you for sticking with me through the wilderness months. I really damn well hope things are going to turn in my favour soon.
:)
As always, I am optimistic and moving forwards.
XOX
MM

Where the hell have I been? Mental health is a serious thing. Never push through when you are burning out. Always respect your time and space. And that is what I have needed. If you are still here, I am deeply grateful and it might be high time I began posting again.
I wonder if I look any different to you all after 6 months of hormone therapy...

Remarkably difficult to take selfies at this angle.

It’s not the beach this time, but it’s still peaceful and the water is warm as a bath. There are, however, many many things living in the water. No crocodiles or sharks though. I have seen snakes around here, but the thing to watch out for are eels. Snakes are scared of people, eels will defend their patch against anything. Including your feet. And the eels are the second-biggest fish in this lake…

Will my life start looking better soon...?

I am going to turn 40 this week ... This video is from 2 years ago. In December, I got carded at the liquor store. I'll post a current thing soon so we can compare the difference...

When I look down

Today is my birthday. I am several years old.

Transgender Chaos - 10 basic hard facts of MTF. Number 10: Shame, purging and repression cycle

It’s time to take account of the shame-purging-repression cycle, because it’s really a nasty thing that controls the lives of so many women like us.

It generally goes like this:

There is a small, nagging and persistent will to present and be seen as a woman, either to yourself or in public - rarely to family, friends, loved ones or people you know known for a long time

This “will to present” is resisted and repressed

The repression does not stop the will to present, but it does contain it temporarily

The pressure behind the will to present does not diminish. It builds. It takes mental, emotional and spiritual energy to continually reinforce the containment vessel you have for it.

Each time the urge is resisted, more pressure is added to the containment vessel.

Each time more energy is needed to maintain its integrity as the self-prepression swells into a tumour upon your character. More energy is taken from the other areas of your life.

Perhaps you can resist it your whole life. There will bea terrible cost to your soul.

Perhaps you cave in and indulge yourself to a debasing, demeaning and degrading degree. The release of the pressure is violent or narcotising.

You contaminate yourself by it.

You think the source of the pollution is the will to present. It is not. It is the repression and what it drives you to do in the moments of release. That is what is profane here. That is the shame.

And when the pressure is all released, what you are left with is that shame. What you have just done to yourself isn’t “you”. But something in you made you do it. The self-evaluation in that moment is intensely negative.

You were dumbstruck and in lust with the visage in the mirror just seconds ago. Now you can’t even bear to look at yourself.

You hate it. You wish it weren’t so. But it is.

You know this is not right.

You don’t know what else to do.

With the pressure gone, you pack that identity away again and put on a different mask.

The shame causes you to flee from what you’ve done. To hide it and resent it. To get away from it.

But after a while, the will to present reappears. Of course, it does because it’s the will to be YOU.

And you, in self-rejection (which is the only possible alternative to self-acceptance) go back to repression.

You are living a lie and your soul is stained by it.

It is a classic cycle of addiction. It is essentially porn addiction with yourself as the target of your pornographic hunger. Just as porn is not your sexuality, crossdressing is not your gender.

How to escape this?
First, by wanting to. Second, by degrees.

Small measures of self-acceptance decrease the pressure. It still builds up, but slower.

Small moves towards living more authentically lets some of the pressure out.

Telling other people decreases the pressure too.

It still builds up, but there is at least a small release valve now.

Spending less time in situations that force you to live the lie also decreases the pressure. The containment vessel doesn’t need to be as strong. Small leaks are safer.

When an extremely strong pressure vessel fails, it explodes violently.
When a makeshift pressure vessel fails, it simply deflates gently.

Which of those is better?